First, allow me a moment to elucidate my qualifications: My grandpa was a bootlegger in the backwoods of Tennessee during prohibition. That's God's honest truth, and that bit of family history proves without question that I have both redneck DNA and an intimate knowledge of alcoholic beverages. Gramps' legacy lives on.

Both of those bits of trivia are worthy of much greater discussion, but today I need to stick to the point. So, let's take a look at our subject du jour, the Big Vino, the juice of the gods, that is to say, wine.

The first big thing to understand, Bubba (or Bubbette--we rednecks have advanced with the times), is that wine ain't 7-UP. Now, I know that many of you are used to mixing wine and 7-UP, but the point of this little article is to provide an opportunity for personal growth. Keep reading, or maybe have your kid read it out loud.

Now what I mean by saying that wine ain't 7-UP is simply this: If you bought a can of 7-UP down at Elmer's Market and then drove to your uncle Willie's Gas & Groc and bought another can, you'd expect both cans to taste the same, assuming Uncle Willie's half-brother had not done something really disturbing again. Most of us consider the fact that one can tastes just like every other to be a Good Thang.

Not so, with wine. Rather than mixing together chemicals and water in a top-secret combination to yield identical tasting drinks, wine makers have to rely on Mother Nature. And we all know that Mother Nature can be a... bit fickle. In addition to the wine maker's skill, the grape, the soil, the storage, and even the weather during the growing year all have a tremendous effect on the taste of a given vintage.

This explains Uncle Willie's homebrew, of course: Combine a winemaker with no skill, incredibly disgusting grapes thrown out by the Piggly Wiggly store, the fungus-inducing weather of the Deep South, soil worthy of an EPA Superfund site, and long-term storage in plastic buckets, and you get a vintage that works better as concrete cleaner.

The Yin to that Yang is a skilled vintner who has studied his craft for years, grapes cultivated on the warm southern-facing slopes of the Columbia River Basin or Cascade Mountains, 300 days of sunshine per year with cool, crisp nights during harvest, nutrient-rich volcanic soil, and long-term oak or stainless steel barrel storage, and you have the magnificent wines of Washington State. They don't all taste the same, of course, due to different local soils, weather conditions, and different wine makers. But I assure you, Bubba/Bubbette, that is a really Good Thang.

Part of the fun of being a wineaux, i.e. a redneck who likes good wines, is the search for the elusive "great vintage". Since no two vintages taste the same, it is incumbent upon us to taste lots and lots of wines from different vintages. That's a Good Thang, too, as you might imagine. Now, you'll find some hoity toities who will try to tell you what's good and what ain't, but here's the real truth: A good wine is a wine you like. Period, end of story. Anybody tells you different, tell 'em to put a cork in it.

At first, I didn't drink for taste. Like most of my redneck kin, I drank because I was, uh... thirsty. But if you slow down and actually start thinking about the taste a bit, I guarantee you'll find some wines that tickle your fancy.

Having found some great vintages (and write them down when you find them, or buy a case or two), the next Good Thang about wine is that it was made for food. Yep, fer shure. Unlike Uncle Willie's homebrew, you'll not only be able to keep your food down when you have a good wine, you'll find that some wines actually make the food taste better. And I don't mean after the second or third bottle. I really mean that you can be stone cold sober, take a sip of wine, shovel in bit of food, and both the wine and the food will taste better together than either does alone.

In case those instructions are not clear, please understand that I mean that you should swallow the wine first, and then take a bite of food. As tempting as it might be to try to mix it all up together, wine ain't a milkshake, neither. Save that trick for Nestle's Quick chocolate mix. For those who don't know, you take a spoonful of chocolate mix in your mouth, pour in some milk, and swish it around. Rednecks from southern states may also add several chunks of banana.

But I digress. Back to wine.

A second fun thing about being a wineaux is finding "wine and food pairings" that you like. There are some general guidelines, but once again, what tastes good to you is really the definition of what is good. Here are a couple things that I've found to be true for my tastes:

1. Wine shouldn't be stronger tasting than the food you're serving. Hoity toities may scream in anguish, but the first great wine and food pairing that suited me was a California Zinfandel served with hamburgers drowned in a potent barbecue sauce. Zinfandels are often "peppery" in taste and therefore complement a strong barbecue sauce quite well.

Conversely, milder main dishes may call for a lighter wine. I found that some light cheeses go great with Sauvignon Blanc, which is a light and sometimes slightly fruity white wine.

2. Sometimes seemingly odd combinations work out quite well, too. I like blue cheese on crackers with a fairly sweet dessert wine like Roza Riesling. I have no idea why that works for me. Maybe my taste buds are dead from too many pork rinds.

Regardless, wine tasting is an adventure, and a kick in the pants, too. A few years ago I hired a limousine to take me, my wife, and some friends on a wine tasting tour of the Wenatchee Valley in central Washington. Not only was it great fun, but I discovered several fantastic family-operated wineries along the way. We still visit these wineries several times a year for concerts, special dinners, and of course, wine club pick-ups!

By the way, a wine club pick-up is not a new way for you single redneck men to meet women--ya still gotta save that for the family reunion.

About the Author

When he's not writing articles for his fellow rednecks at Redneck-Wineaux.com (http://Redneck-Wineaux.com), Ross Lambert is sampling fine wines and playing guitar. He is also one of several software engineers at Confluent-Data, Inc., creators of LoveWashingtonWine.com (http://LoveWashingtonWine.com

Wine Spectator and More

A Redneck's Guide to Wine Appreciation


First, allow me a moment to elucidate my qualifications: My grandpa was a bootlegger in the backwoods of Tennessee during prohibition. That's God's ho...


Click Here to Read More About Wine ...

Wine Spectator Products we recommend

Cotnari - Edelbeerenlese St. Ursula


This incredibly rich dessert wine originates from the area of Cotnari in Rumania on the lower slopes of the Carpathian mountains. This white wine is well balanced and has a characteristic spiciness and lingering rich finish famous in the wines of the area for almost 500 years. This wine resembles a German Beerenauslese in its concentration, but the flavors are unique to Cotnari. Great gift for the sweet wine lovers! COT00 COT00


Price: 27.99 USD



Wine Spectator in the news

Gear Up: Platy Preserve wine preserver (Columbus Ledger-Enquirer)

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 12:27:22 PDT
The conundrum of toting a nice Spanish Rioja into the backcountry has always been that on the one hand, wine bottles are heavy and prone to breaking, and on the other, opening the wine and transferring it to a plastic bottle can ruin the taste. Enter the light, durable Platy Preserve.

Gear Up: Platy Preserve wine preserver (The San Luis Obispo Tribune)

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 12:13:17 PDT
The conundrum of toting a nice Spanish Rioja into the backcountry has always been that on the one hand, wine bottles are heavy and prone to breaking, and on the other, opening the wine and transferring it to a plastic bottle can ruin the taste. Enter the light, durable Platy Preserve. This bottle-size vino pouch is made of the same lightweight food-grade plastic as the soft-sided Platypus water ...

Fail Safe

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 07:27:41 PDT
Fail Safe: (Noun) A system or plan that comes into operation in the event of something going wrong or that is there to prevent such an occurrence. Jennifer Aniston reportedly just shelled out thirty-four grand on two tanning beds after her personal tanning bed died on her. Because God forbid she should be a slightly less brown shade of brown. "She freaked out because the next day, she had a major photo shoot," recalls a source. "She had to go to a public tanning place. She learned her lesson a

Cool Hand with the Salad Dressing

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 16:22:00 PDT
Cool Hand with the Salad Dressing The death of Paul Newman on Friday has brought forth an outpouring of appreciations of his acting career. But as writer Linda Giuca reminds us, to a younger generation, Newman was perhaps better known as the face on the salad dressing . The actor started Newman’s Own food company in 1982 with his business partner A.E. Hotchner, after the two stirred up a batch of salad dressing in the basement of a barn using a vat and a canoe paddle . The company went on to cr

Breaking World Food Records

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 14:06:00 PDT
Breaking World Food Records Back in third grade, our weekly library visits involved some serious bonding with a dog-eared copy of the Guinness Book of World Records . We knew we’d never have the opportunity to dethrone the world’s heaviest twins , our most beloved folk heroes in that tattered paperback. Still, we’d pore over the pages, searching for a record we could break. In a recent Ace of Cakes episode, Duff achieved our childhood dream to grace the Guinness pages by baking the wor... more

Green Idea: Hold a clothing swap party

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 02:45:58 PDT
If you love the excitement of having something new to wear, you're probably familiar with the conundrum of opening your closet door (or doors) and sighing in discontent as you flip past the familiar jeans, skirts and sweaters. Call it closet boredom or whatever you want, but chances are there are a lot of items that go unworn because you can't remember why you bought them in the first place or they don't quite fit anymore. You can breathe new life into your wardrobe without spending any mon

Five-Starring in Pismo Beach? (Santa Barbara Independent)

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 10:53:50 PDT
Dolphin Bay Resort & Spa offers livable luxury and good autumn eats.


Wine Bar
Serving Wine
Wine Store | Wine Stores

Labels: Wine Gift | Wine Gifts

&type=page">